An Optimist's View of Pessimists
I'm a therapist so I have people sharing their troubles with me daily... it's what I do. The longer I do this work, the more I begin to shape my own philosophy of life. I have frequent, fleeting epiphanies about how the world works and how people operate. One of the things I have been thinking about a lot lately is how so much of our happiness is completely dependent on our expectations.
Now, so much of counseling/psychology seems to be common sense. Someone puts together a theory and presents it and the rest of the world says, "Well, no shit, Sherlock. I could have told you that!" The thing is, most of these people couldn't have told you that. They only identify with what you're telling them and they realize they've know it all along, they just weren't aware of it. Like the fact that so much of our happiness depends on our expectations. It's a simple statement that makes tons of sense. But if people really understood it, and applied it to their lives, most of them would be a lot happier a lot more often. Here's what I mean.
One of my favorite examples is going to see a movie. If everyone you know sees a movie and tells you it's the best thing to ever be put on film and the critics all love it and the previews look great, you get your hopes up, right? You get all excited to go see this movie, you finally have a free night and you're sitting in the theatre as the lights go down and you're thinking, "Finally! This movie is gonna rock!"... Then it's only mediocre. You walk out of that movie thinking it was the biggest waste of two hours and you're pissed you spent $6.50 to see it. You're disappointed beyond belief. Now... if everyone in the world had told you that same movie was awful and not to waste your time and money... then you see it... and it's mediocre... now you're thinking, "Hey, that wasn't so bad. I actually kinda liked it!" And you walk out feeling pretty good about seeing that movie. Same movie... different expectations... different reaction/level of satisfaction and happiness.
The same thing happens with everything in our lives. If you expect a raise and don't get it, you're bitter. If you aren't expecting a raise, obviously you aren't upset if you don't get one. And better yet, if you get an unexpected bonus, you're thrilled.
If you go on a date and you aren't expecting to hit it off and you don't, no skin off your back. If you expect to fall in love at first sight and you don't hit it off, your night is ruined. Same night, different expectations, different reactions.
This works with my clients too. If they expect everything to be sunshine and rainbows and for major life changes to come easily, they are often disappointed and discouraged. However, if they are willing to accept that the road ahead is most likely going to be rough, then every smooth stretch, every inch of progress is something to be grateful for.
I write all of this and it's a paradox because it sounds like I'm advocating for a pessimistic attitude... if you expect the worst all the time, you're never disappointed, only pleasantly surprised. In reality, I'm an eternal optimist and always assume the best, expect good things, and believe miracles can happen. Somehow I'm just able to roll with the punches when my high expectations are not met. Maybe the secret is to believe that great things are possible but not hold your expectations as the way things 'should be'. Maybe we should replace 'expect' with hope. I'm a big fan of hope. If there is anyone who I have a hard time working with, it's people who have lost all hope... they have no reason, no drive to change. But hope is a whole other essay.
I guess I could sum it all up with: I'm an optimist. As an optimist, I can even see the good side of being a pessimist: You're never disappointed, only pleasantly surprised.
Now, so much of counseling/psychology seems to be common sense. Someone puts together a theory and presents it and the rest of the world says, "Well, no shit, Sherlock. I could have told you that!" The thing is, most of these people couldn't have told you that. They only identify with what you're telling them and they realize they've know it all along, they just weren't aware of it. Like the fact that so much of our happiness depends on our expectations. It's a simple statement that makes tons of sense. But if people really understood it, and applied it to their lives, most of them would be a lot happier a lot more often. Here's what I mean.
One of my favorite examples is going to see a movie. If everyone you know sees a movie and tells you it's the best thing to ever be put on film and the critics all love it and the previews look great, you get your hopes up, right? You get all excited to go see this movie, you finally have a free night and you're sitting in the theatre as the lights go down and you're thinking, "Finally! This movie is gonna rock!"... Then it's only mediocre. You walk out of that movie thinking it was the biggest waste of two hours and you're pissed you spent $6.50 to see it. You're disappointed beyond belief. Now... if everyone in the world had told you that same movie was awful and not to waste your time and money... then you see it... and it's mediocre... now you're thinking, "Hey, that wasn't so bad. I actually kinda liked it!" And you walk out feeling pretty good about seeing that movie. Same movie... different expectations... different reaction/level of satisfaction and happiness.
The same thing happens with everything in our lives. If you expect a raise and don't get it, you're bitter. If you aren't expecting a raise, obviously you aren't upset if you don't get one. And better yet, if you get an unexpected bonus, you're thrilled.
If you go on a date and you aren't expecting to hit it off and you don't, no skin off your back. If you expect to fall in love at first sight and you don't hit it off, your night is ruined. Same night, different expectations, different reactions.
This works with my clients too. If they expect everything to be sunshine and rainbows and for major life changes to come easily, they are often disappointed and discouraged. However, if they are willing to accept that the road ahead is most likely going to be rough, then every smooth stretch, every inch of progress is something to be grateful for.
I write all of this and it's a paradox because it sounds like I'm advocating for a pessimistic attitude... if you expect the worst all the time, you're never disappointed, only pleasantly surprised. In reality, I'm an eternal optimist and always assume the best, expect good things, and believe miracles can happen. Somehow I'm just able to roll with the punches when my high expectations are not met. Maybe the secret is to believe that great things are possible but not hold your expectations as the way things 'should be'. Maybe we should replace 'expect' with hope. I'm a big fan of hope. If there is anyone who I have a hard time working with, it's people who have lost all hope... they have no reason, no drive to change. But hope is a whole other essay.
I guess I could sum it all up with: I'm an optimist. As an optimist, I can even see the good side of being a pessimist: You're never disappointed, only pleasantly surprised.
posted by Brad @ 11:00 AM
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